


Life's A Gamble Between Roses And Thorns

by putyournamehere



Series: Let it Rain, We Can Build a Home [4]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Depression, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Psychosis, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-17
Updated: 2015-09-17
Packaged: 2018-04-20 06:54:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,456
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4777730
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/putyournamehere/pseuds/putyournamehere
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He could die though. He could finish it. But God he was so <i>tired</i>.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Life's A Gamble Between Roses And Thorns

**Author's Note:**

> Hello again! Warnings for this fic: extensive talks of depression and suicidal ideation, as well as mentions of psychosis (the shadows). Once again this is all written from my personal experiences. I'm really enjoying writing this series, so I hope you enjoy it too!
> 
> Song for this fic: Chasing Ghosts/Open Letter by The Amity Affliction

_Are you at all haunted by memories past?_  
_Are you ready to make this one breath your last?_  
_Is your chest so heavy you're ready to leave?_  
_Or are you just hoping someone will grieve?_

 

 

 

 

 

He wanted to tear is fucking scalp out. He was sick of Them, he was sick of it. He felt anger through his bones, could feel his skin peeling away and he couldn't do anything. He'd tried, he tried, he tried so damn hard, but they never left him, they never left-

He lent against a wall, gasping for breath. He didn't know how long he'd been running for but his lungs burned and ached, and he had no idea where he was in town. He didn't fully remember why he'd left, just remembered a flurry of faces and voices and a flying note.

Ah. The Note.

Iwaizumi groaned and sank to the ground. The Note was very particular, something that he should of burnt a long time ago. His final wishes, his will if you like, one last note to the world before he took a permanent vacation. It wasn't that he hadn't attempted before - in fact he technically had tried to kill himself twice for the record. He supposed third time was the charm, if he had the energy to try. But he didn't, which is why that note was now obsolete. There was no point in Oikawa bringing it up, absolutely none. Hell, he shouldn't have found it in the first place, but of course Iwaizumi went and left it among his countless notebooks.

He grabbed at his hair in frustration. The alley he sat in smelt of urine and garbage, and he began to shiver in the cold night. What did he do wrong, exactly? To deserve all of this? To deserve a death wish? It was the same questions, over and over again, and yet he was never any closer to an answer. It was a constant fight between one part of you that yearns for life, and another that tries to die. He supposes his life could be an awful sob story, his sole purpose for the entertainment of others, like a dancing puppet. Except there was no applause, no loving cheers waiting for him at the end; just shadows, laughing and grabbing at him.

He could die though. He could finish it. But God he was so _tired_.

He sighed. It probably wasn't the best idea to run out on the group like that, especially after they had spent so much time planning for it. What was he supposed to do though? Sugawara and Daichi - he hoped they'd understand. Kuroo and Bokuto as well, although they were more likely to continue without him (without him; like the even needed him there). Oikawa though... how must Oikawa be feeling right now? Having his boyfriend run out after such a revelation couldn't be easy on him.

_Whats important to you, Iwaizumi-san?"_

_Iwaizumi looked at the psychologist. "What do you mean?"_

_She shifted in her seat. "When we're dealing with a lot of stress in our lives, we can often forget what's meaningful to us. Friends, family, relationships.. what's meaningful to you?"_

_Iwaizumi thought about it for a minute. "I guess..my studies?"_

_"Ah, your medical studies. You find helping people meaningful?"_

_"Yeah. I have a...friend, they injured themselves pretty badly by overworking. I want to help others like that."_

_She smiled knowingly. "Your boyfriend outside?"_

_He scrambled for a minute before admitting it, "yeah, Oikawa."_

_She wrote down some notes. "He's meaningful to you?"_

_"Yeah he- he means a lot to me."_

_"He seems very supportive."_

_"We've been friends a long time," Iwaizumi spoke carefully, "we naturally support each other."_

_"I'm sure he must be very worried about you right now."_

_Iwaizumi thought of when Oikawa first confronted him, tears in his eyes clutching desperately at his blazer. The second time he tried to commit suicide and Oikawa had run to his side, trembling._

_"Yeah. I bet he is."_

Iwaizumi clambered to his feet. He had to go back.

The walk back to the apartment was torture, a gamble with his life except he was the only player. To walk to safety or walk into the road? He hadn't had these thoughts in so long, but now they were back it was like they had never left, and it made him ache. But he had to make it; he had to make it back, to see if Oikawa was alright. That was what he made himself believe, and before long he was in the rickety elevator up to his room. What was he even supposed to say? _Hi, sorry for being horrifically suicidal, would you like a hug?_ Life wasn't that easy, unfortunately. He shoved his hands in his pockets, shuffling his way to the door before giving it a sharp knock. It'd be a lot easier if Oikawa could just ignore the entire thing and they could be happy and everything would be fine and-

"Oof!"

Iwaizumi fell back several steps, as the other person landed on the floor.

"I'm really sorry about that'" Iwaizumi said, before looking down, "really I'm- Oikawa?"

Oikawa looked up at him before scambling to his feet. "Iwa-chan!" He threw himself and Iwaizumi, grabbing in tightly. "You're okay! I thought something might've happened, that you might- I didn't mean to push you I swear." The words came out in a jumble and Iwaizumi struggled to catch up.

"Slow down, Trashykawa. Where is everyone?"

Oikawa closed the door behind him."They're still inside. We were about to send out a search party, or something like that."

"I know I'm reckless, but I'm not that reckless." Iwaizumi sighed.

"I know, I know I just," Oikawa ran a hand through his hair. He looked exhausted, "I just didn't want anything to happen to you. And I know I overreacted, I know but-"

"You didnt overreact."

Oikawa blinked at him. "Huh?"

_"Imagine we're bus drivers, and we're driving through life. We have a set route of things we want to in our day, but the passengers on our bus are rowdy and keep demanding our attention - those are our are thoughts and feelings. If we keep having to stop to focus on the passengers, how far do you think we're going to get?"_

_"Not very far." Iwaizumi replied inmediately._

_"Exactly. Now, we can't get rid of the passengers; they're part of our lives. But we can learn to cope, so eventually we can drive our planned route towards what we want to achieve. Towards what's important to us."_

_"I think I understand." Iwaizumi nodded along. She made a sound of approval._

_"That's good. However, in order to achieve this, we need to rely on the people who are important to us. If we don't open up to the people we love, how can they support us?"_

_"You...want me rely on people?"_

_"I know it's not easy, it's an incredible challenge." She paused for a moment, glancing at the door. "How about we start with Oikawa?"_

_Iwaizumi stared. "What do you mean?"_

_She jotted something down. "Your task for this session; I want you to try and rely on Oikawa. It could be for anything, to buy food or to open up, but I want you to rely on him for something."_

_"But I- I can't."_

_"Iwaizumi, I know it's hard, but this is about what's important to you, what will help you on your journey. Rely on someone else for once, okay?"_

Rely on someone else. Iwaizumi looked at Oikawa carefully before sighing.

"That note was written about a month ago. I- yeah, I wanted to end it. I didn't want to bother you with it. And yes, I know how it sounds," he added at Oikawa's frown, "but I know now, I know I should've told someone. But I was scared." He scratched the back of his neck, embarrassment creeping on on him.

"Thank you."

Iwaizumi looked up. "What for?"

Oikawa shrugged. "For opening up to me. I mean, I know it wasn't easy after how I dealt with it last time so... thank you, Hajime. It means a lot to me."

Iwaizumi stared at him for several moments before blurting out, "I love you."

Oikawa giggled and kissed his cheek. "I love you too, precious Iwa-chan."

"Go shove it, Trashykawa."

_Rely on someone else for once._ Iwaizumi smiled.  _I think I can do that._

 

 

 

 

 

_I'm not searching the sky for a reason to live_

_Because I found beauty right here and the passion to give_

_So let me give you my heart, let me give you my tears_

_Let me give you my life, let me give you my fears_

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't been feeling very well lately, which is why I wrote this (also why it's very short, I apologise!). I might write another fic that deals with Iwaizumi and actual therapy, but we'll see. You can find me at metaphorical-pie (tumblr) and metaphoricloud (twitter) if you ever need to talk. Stay safe!


End file.
